The Ring Rule | Forum Best Practices

Most of us have been through it personally. We also have partners, parents, adult children who are now reaching their own child-bearing years, care providers, etc. 

 It can be hard to participate in a group like this. We see sad stories that bring up our own bad memories or worries for the future. We see happy stories that remind us of just how much we have lost. It can be hard to know what to say, or how to interpret what someone else has said, especially in writing. 

Our Modmin Team tries to promote open communication and sharing of stories, but we also sometimes delete comments that may come across poorly. We are especially careful with our loss mothers. Sometimes we are overzealous and delete things that could just as well stay; sometimes we hang back too much and leave comments that end up causing pain. We understand that all of you are human, and we hope you understand that about us as well. We are all trying to do our best in this messy world, even if we sometimes miss the mark. 

If you ever want to comment on someone’s post but wonder if it is appropriate, remember the Ring Rule. Proposed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman, the Ring Theory puts the person actually going through the trauma (in our group, this would be the original poster) at the center of a bull’s eye, with others surrounding her (or him) in rings. In the nearest ring are the people closest to her, her partner, parents, children, best friends, etc. The next ring may be more distant relatives and friends, the next her care team, the next her greater community, etc.

The Ring Rule is simple: comfort inward, complain outward.

Yes, seeing pictures of a member’s lost child is hard. You know what is harder? Actually losing a child. Comfort her. Complain to someone else.

See similarities between someone’s post and your own story? Yes, you can share your story. But comment for her benefit. You do not need to share every detail if only a small part is relevant. If your comment is all about you without expressing sympathy and understanding for her, it crosses the line into complaining instead of comforting. Remember the Ring Rule. If you are also in the midst of the trauma and need comforting, make your own post. We will do our best to gather around you as the center of the ring. Please do not take over someone else’s post. 

If you make a comment that gets deleted, please do not take it personally. Maybe the Modmins were just overzealous. Maybe it came across in a way different from what you intended. Maybe something that would be comforting in one culture is offensive in another, and you did not realize. We are all doing the best we can, even when we miss the mark.

We love and care for each and every one of you. We have worked hard to make this a safe space for all members, no matter where you are in this journey through trauma. We hope you will extend us grace when we miss the mark. We hope you will continue to share your stories, while being considerate of when it will be most helpful. Thank you for making this one of the best support ow.